I wrote this post the morning and hoped by the end of today I would have something positive to reflect but it would seem today is my day to be angry, as even after this whole day has gone by I am still so very angry.
We are still here.
The complete Holmes’ Gang.
Changing DVD’s, organising trophies to try and make up for this weekends lion awards where she would have rewarded a courage award, preparing endless drinks of diet coke, lemonade, fanta, yellow lemonade, coke with ice that hardly ever gets drunk, making shop runs to get what ever she requests…all in hope that it will be enough.
Have you ever imagined or ever had to endure the heart ache of watching someone you love suffer?. The pain from that is engulfing, the watching, the waiting, the hoping that it will end.
When all you have taught your children as their parent is to fight for what is theirs, to never give up on anything they really want to do, now try push against those values you have worked hard to place.
Try work against that young brain, who knows there still is very much to do, aching to run, walk, laugh and learn. It’s impossible, to not want to scream, to cry, to wish..but yet there is nothing you can do.
You can’t make it better, nothing you do can make it happen quicker, and instead every morning you awake and find yourself there in that same spot again.
I know later when I look back on this entry I will realise it was not actually that long that we had to watch our gorgeous girl’s spark disappear forever, but isn’t one second, one hour, one day too much to watch someone you love suffer.
I don’t think I will ever understand not death it’s self, but the suffering we allow people to go through before the light goes out.
Just Love and Hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer xx
Fiona aka
The Holmes Gang
23 comments:
I have no words, Fiona.
Please know that I am thinking of you all, with all my heart.
xoxoxo
my heart is breaking at the suffering not only immie has to endure, but you all as her beautful family. im wishing with all my might she has peaceful dreams and rests easy
love to u all
love shannon in frankston victoria
I wish I could take away the pain & suffering....I'm so very sorry I can't!
Fiona you are so brave and so honest. I know that there is nothing we can say or do that can make this better, and my heart aches for you and Immie and the rest of your beautiful family. I have never met you except through your blog but I think about and pray for your family every day.
Love Leanne
Darling Holmes Gang,
You are never alone. We understand and our hearts weep for you. Never feel guilty for wishing it was over, you aren't wishing for the end of your child's life just an end to their suffering.
You know how to get hold of me, 24/7, please if I listen and let you share this pain then i'll be there.
Love you until the stars don't shine,
Hannah
Darling Fiona (and Jason, Kody and Ashton)
I do hope you beloved Immie is soon resting! I can't even begin to imagine the hell you are experiencing. But Imogen has always been one to do things her way and she wouldn't be the girl she is if she didn't die in the same manner. Her way!! Not that it makes it any easier for you all to watch. Thinking of you and sending you good vibes to stay strong so you can complete this terrible job. Much love
Jess
Fiona, yes I know your pain and how you are feeling is very normal.The wanting her to go so there is no more pain, the fear of not having her here, and the guilt for wanting it to be over for her. I have been crying every day for all of you, and have been waiting for the horrible news that will come. Be strong, but cry when you want, scream when you want and dream when you want. It is all of those emotions that make us human, and makes you, you. With much love tears and hugs to you all.
Love Shaz.
Dearest Fiona,
I feel so sad and helpless for you and your lovely family, that there is nothing we can do, to make Immie's pain go away.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through, the agony of having to watch your beautiful princess suffer like this, is so unfair and wrong!
I will keep on praying and hoping that darling Imogen's pain will soon end.
I can't physically give you a cuddle right now Fiona, but please know that I am wanting to. With all the upset and anguish you are going through, my heart is hurting for you and your family, and I can't help but shed tears and feel some anger also, as to why yours, mine and other families are affected by cancer and have to go through such heartache.
You all constantly remain in my thoughts. Sending you love, cuddles, prayers and hope.
Beautiful little Immie, darling if I could have one wish, it would be that you don't hurt anymore. That's all we want. I'm sending you another very delicate cuddle and lots of love and peace and happiness.
xxxxxxxx Lyndall xxxxxxxxx
My heart aches for what you are going through. The pain and suffering and sense of hopelessness. Thinking of you all and hoping for peace for Immie.
Dear Fiona, you're so right, even one second is too much to bear when you see your precious girl is in such limbo especially when she and you all have endured so much these past years.
I have not walked in your shoes,just know that so many of us walk beside you and Immie and your family in whatever way we can. Wishing you love, light and peace,xxx.
{{Big hugs}} to you all through this hard time
I so wish a cure was here so Miss Imogen can run and play like a 6 yr old should having fun etc ♥♥♥ prey for Imogen's pain to be gone soon and Fairy Hugs to her from us all here ♥
I have no idea what you are going through I watched my mum fade and that was hard but a child :'( someone we love and care so much for
Dear Angry, I had to endure the suffering of my Mum refusing to die, we would say "It's okay to go now" and she would say a firm "No!" While I cannot imagine knowing the time of death, you can certainly hope it is close when you are just buzzed from the stress of it all. Their needs are met as much as possible, yours are not. Hoping that Immie takes that flight to end this terrible suffering for you all, release from pain, dear sweet girl. Thinking of you all, love from Kerry. xx
Thinking of you all.. day by day.. I cant begin to imagine what you are feeling.. lots of virtual hugs and love and light coming your way..
Sadly yes, have watched a few loved ones suffer and it's heartwrenching but know in your heart you are, and have been doing everything possible for your beautiful girl.
Sending huge hugs to Immie xx and to you and the family Fiona.
Millie xx
Fiona, I can't even imagine feeling how you feel right now, but it absolutely makes sense that you do.
I continue to think of you all, and your beautiful Immie, and am keeping you all in my heart.
*massive hugs*
Emma.
No words - just wishing you all perfect peace. Lovely little Immie, so unfair.
I cannot express in words how I feel for you and your dear little Imogen. Be brave little one. Soon your pain will be over and you will be at peace. Fiona, you and your family are so strong and I pray that when Imogen is finally at peace, you may all find a way to ease the pain in your hearts.
I only know Imogen through her passing us by at school, and giving us a beautiful little smile but she has touched my heart and my family in ways that we will never completely understand.
Take care and God bless.
Love Gina Whittome and family.
Holmes Gang-you are giving Immie 100% just like you always do.unfortunately only Immie will know when its time for her angel wings to take her to a better,more peaceful place. Until then,we wish her to be comfortable and painfree as possible-hang in there xxxLisa,Daz,Cooper and Kai
I can understand the tangle of emotions that you are going through - it's a horrible state of limbo and nothing seems real. Don't feel guilty, as you have done everything in your power to help Immie, and I know she has had as good a life as possible. All the families of cancer patients wish things could be different, but we can only do what we can.
We are still fundraising for a cure, or at least better treatment, for this insidious disease.
I hope that, in writing this blog and putting your feelings into words, it somehow eases the pain. Look after yourself and Kody (he must be as upset as you and Jason).
Love always
Jackie
My heart too is breaking while my mind is asking why? Why does this beautiful family have to go through this, watching their most precious daughter suffer this way. Then to be in that place of wanting her to go, let the suffering stop but also wanting her to stay because you can't bare the thought of life without her. I wish like many that i could take away your pain, your always in my thoughts my dear friends x x x x
We love you Fiona & think of you all every day. We know there is nothing we can do to help you & your lovely family, but our thought & prayers are with you all.
Sue & Gary
I watched my mum go through the same suffering at a fairly young age, not as young as Immie but I feel for you and wash wishing for the same for my mum not because of any other reason but for the suffering to be over. All our love,prayers and thoughts go out to you all. You are all so strong
Love to you all - sweet dreams Immie
xoxoxox
Thinking of you.
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