Another precious memory

One of the main things I have learnt from the last three years is that there really is no point in worrying about something, as it normally never turns out as bad as your worries imagine it to be.

Even though I have learnt that and regularly quote that, it did not stop me from stressing about what Imogen’s birthday was going to bring us.

Would it be all of us crying?

Would Imogen be sad or in pain?

Well you guessed it I should not have wasted my time and worried.
Imogen birthday yesterday was perfect for where we are right now. Imogen gathered up her breath and blew out all six of her candles. She then enjoyed a piece of her cake and a few snakes. Imogen also pondered aloud why no one had given her any birthday presents (we had given her all her presents at her birthday party). Luckily I had some extras in the cupboard, which I quickly wrapped and presented, and surprisingly they were well excepted : ). Granma and Aunty Bibby (at Imogen’s request) came around for a tea party on the bedroom floor. We all got to eat a family tradition of fairy cakes being bought by the Granma (yum).

Imogen was happy, content with her birthday

We were happy, content with her birthday…. …simple things.

In reflection of yesterday whilst washing Baby Ashton, I discovered that I had been spending more time concentrating on when she was going to pass away. Rather then focusing on her in this moment, on this day, the many days she has given us and will continue to give us. I had been trying to compare this situation with normal life, which it is definitely not. I decided then that I would adjustment my thinking of normal life to this space where we are right now. This being our new normal for now, then when she passes it will be a different new normal. A forever adapting normal.

So now my normal consists of changing dvds, cooking random things for Imogen, laying and holding her hand for hours on end, heating heat bags, reminding her of fun times we have had, showing her photos of us, reading her Mr Men books, bringing Ashton into see her, where he gives her the sweetest smiles, playing wii games with Kody, making sure we do “ How was your day?”, doing my blog updates and perhaps a little cleaning : P…focusing on today, accepting today for what it is. Who really knows what tomorrow will hold…

"Yesterday's history, and tomorrow's a mystery, today's a gift and that’s why we call it the present"
Eleanor Roosevelt
I am sure that rabbit would taste good : )) thinks Ashton

With Much Love and Hope Fiona, Jason, Kody, Imogen and Ashton xxxxxx

Happy 6th Birthday Imogen

We are amazed daily by our girl, Imogen

Though today even more,

Today Imogen is here with us for her 6^th Birthday,

Still her strong little heart beats on

Still shouting out commands : )

We can’t believe we ever doubted her power or will to be here with us for this day.

Imogen will now be our big 6 year old girl, never again forever five.

“Happy 6th Birthday, to our most amazing, incredible, inspirational girl, Imogen,

We love you to the moon and back times a zillion

We are so grateful to have you here with us baby girl, thankful for everyday we still get to see, touch and talk to you,

You will be forever in our hearts and never far from our minds

Love and Butterfly Kisses

Mum, Dad, Kody and Ashton

xxxxxxxx ooooooooo”

Dare to Dream

Imogen aged 7 months.

2 sleeps till Immie's 6th birthday, the number 6 has always meant something to me.

I believed if Immie made it to 6 years old she would be ok.

3 years ago when she was just about to have her 3^rd birthday (when she was diagnosed) her 6^th birthday seemed so far away.

Now I know that the number 6, can not make any of what is happened in the last 3 years different. This dear friends and family makes my heart break. I said to someone yesterday I would let them know what it’s like after Immie passes, but right now I actually believe that watching her rally and wishing her to pass is harder than losing her.

I have been very fortunate and had never till now, felt the grief of losing someone very close to me. I never really understood how hard it actually is. Well now with my eyes wide open I feel the pain, the engulfing feeling of dread (terror or apprehension as to something in the future; great fear) everyday. What a horrible place to be..though I am thankful for my true inspirations, my friends Cherrie and Vanya, who I have been blessed to know since being on the ward. They both lost their beautiful boys, Blake and James to cancer. Even though I know they both still have hard days, out of the darkness they have learnt again to laugh, love and build a new “ normal” life, whilst still remembering there boys always. I love you both Cherrie and Vanya (and all your family : ).

I need to know that happiness again is possible; Imogen would never want any of us to dwell in long term self pity. She even now continues to tell us off when she sees us crying. Telling me she is fine, now stop crying mummy, go find daddy and give him a hug. I aim to continue to living for her everywhere I go she will be in my foot prints, living through me and us.

Our incredible battler continues on, she is the toughest cookie you will ever meet.

Below Ashton aged 7 months.

Checking in

Hey all

Got over my funk and enjoyed a peaceful day with Miss Immie, was blessed with two smiles for my making of a krabby patty hamburger with smiley face and two

" I love you Mum " whispers.

My incredible girl, my inspiration,

Love to all

Fiona and the Holmes' gang xx

Sailing...

December 2009

Just a quick update to tell you that we are all still here…

Immie has been much more peaceful over the weekend, not so grouchy at everyone and is still full of commands and desires. Mc Happy Cheeseburger – patty, sauce and cheese, everyday for lunch anyone..argh : /.

And so we bob along, in these uncharted and scary waters. The longer it continues on the seed of doubt grows, the what if or could of’s…my heart and brain are at battles..trying to make any possible sense about why Imogen got diagnosed with this horrible disease then ended up in this sad place. Whilst my brain clearly knows there is no rhythm or reason, my heart aches to keep her here with us for just one more moment filled to the bream with the old Immie. It’s part of the process, all in the grieving I am told…but geez it does not make it any easier to comprehend.

Kody’s back to school today, he complained the morning because he knew everyone would be saying they are sorry. I told him to tell them not be sorry for him but for the starving children in Africa…he’s 11 years old, he does not want the pity or the sadness he just wants to a normal kid with an annoying health sister. When Kody returned home I asked him how he’s day was, he replied “Predictable…but it was also good because I got out of lots of school work”

That’s my boy…so proud of him : P.

We had more visitors today Suzanne the liaison officer and Immie’s oncologist Dr Phillips from PMH. It was nice to see them, Imogen told Dr Philips that she did not like doctors and did not want to see her..

That’s my girl…so proud of her : P (charming little princess she is NOT!!).

Though I can understand her frustration, why would she want to see them?, all they do is give her medicine that makes her feel crappy, give her needles and they have not made her better regardless of everything she put up with. Imogen is one smart cookie, you always know where you stand with her..no lies just straight up truths you better be ready to cop it regardless of your title.

Well off to pour myself a drink, and enjoy one of the fabulous meals generously given to us,

Cheers

Sweet Dreams to all

Love The Holmes Gang – Fiona, Jason, Kody, Imogen and Ashton

P.S. 6 sleeps till Imogen officially celebrates her 6^th birthday : ))

How was your day?

About 2 ½ years ago Jason and Kody started “How was your day and what was your best bit?“ when sitting down for dinner. During that time we have kept up that tradition, occasionally changing the rules and loving to see visiting peoples reactions when placed on the spot to think of a good part of their day (Hey Cousin Sharon ??). In the last a month Imogen has either not been awake or wanted to say hers. Tonight she did : )).

Kody – sitting down with Imogen watching monsters versus aliens;

Mum – eating a yummy stir fry (made easy by gorgeous friends who pre cut everything : )) and being told I am gorgeous and beautiful by Immie;

Imogen – hugging daddy really tight;

Dad – hearing that Immie had a best bit and getting some of the fence done.

And the answer to how everyone’s day was ? - GOOD : D, got to be happy with that : )

Another day done and dusted.

P.S. Whoops forgot to add Ashton's best bit even after he made sure he told me before going to bed...Ashton - Everyone shaking their head at me, so then I do it back, it makes me and everyone giggle : D

Still here...

I wrote this post the morning and hoped by the end of today I would have something positive to reflect but it would seem today is my day to be angry, as even after this whole day has gone by I am still so very angry.

We are still here.

The complete Holmes’ Gang.

Changing DVD’s, organising trophies to try and make up for this weekends lion awards where she would have rewarded a courage award, preparing endless drinks of diet coke, lemonade, fanta, yellow lemonade, coke with ice that hardly ever gets drunk, making shop runs to get what ever she requests…all in hope that it will be enough.

Have you ever imagined or ever had to endure the heart ache of watching someone you love suffer?. The pain from that is engulfing, the watching, the waiting, the hoping that it will end.

When all you have taught your children as their parent is to fight for what is theirs, to never give up on anything they really want to do, now try push against those values you have worked hard to place.

Try work against that young brain, who knows there still is very much to do, aching to run, walk, laugh and learn. It’s impossible, to not want to scream, to cry, to wish..but yet there is nothing you can do.

You can’t make it better, nothing you do can make it happen quicker, and instead every morning you awake and find yourself there in that same spot again.

I know later when I look back on this entry I will realise it was not actually that long that we had to watch our gorgeous girl’s spark disappear forever, but isn’t one second, one hour, one day too much to watch someone you love suffer.

I don’t think I will ever understand not death it’s self, but the suffering we allow people to go through before the light goes out.

Just Love and Hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer xx

Fiona aka

The Holmes Gang

Plankton image taken from -http://www.nick.com/upickdaily/images/cms/story/main/mainimage_plankton.jpg

Another Day

“Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today”
Quote from the movie "Ground Hog Day".

Everyday seems to a photocopy of the next, there is nothing I can do to help Imogen and nothing I can do to stop her pain.

A shadow of her is still here with us. There a moments I wish to pick her up and hold her tight, but I can’t because she hurts now when you touch her.

Instead I will share with you a moment from today when we were watching “Kung Fu Panda”, yes surprisingly we have moved on from Sponge Bob Square Pants.

She asked me who I would like to be in the movie, the old Imogen always asked us that whenever we were watching any movie. I told her I would like to be the monkey, she decided she would be the cricket (praying mantis) because it was little and strong, that I would be the panda because I was big and cuddly, Aunty Bibby would be the crane…because she looks like one : P, Dad would be the monkey and Kody the raccoon.

These are moments that take my breath away; simply moments that many of us take for grated, that person would have been me in the past.
I never understood how important it was to listen to our little ones, to take the time to sit with them, watch a movie with them, read with them….now I am very aware....how precious those moments are.

I was truly gifted with another special moment on Sunday when Immie joined us in the pool yard late in the afternoon, she never once lifted her head but I knew she was there… wishing and hoping it would bring me some peace. To us the pool and the surrounding area will always be some where we can go and enjoy Imogen’s spirit; we are truly blessed for all who helped it come to life.

With Love and Hope

Fiona, Jason, Kody, Imogen and Ashton xx

Blessings

One of Imogen's many drawings
20th of March 2010

Imogen still continues to amaze us.
In her moments of awakenings her lists for food, well and truly exceed her appetite. Last night, I made another birthday meal for her (she claims she never got one though we already had pizza but order of the princess the other night ; ), she wanted mash potato, rice, chicken, a boiled egg and soldiers (toast). I think she ate two soldiers, but who am I too deny the bravest girl I know her wish.

Yesterday we trekked off to my mum's place, as very excitedly after almost 6 months the pool yard paving has begun. Firstly I must say a huge thank you to Darren and his crew, for generously donating their time and talented paving skills. Then to our friends and family who helped move pavers and cater for the hungry crew. The pool yard now looks awesome all that is left is some cutting along the wall of lurve.

It was a mission moving Imogen, but I knew she would have been freaking out about all the noise and commotion. She has become very sensitive to the slightest change in noise and certain noises. All we wanted to do is get the paving done, so we can spend just one day in the completed pool yard with her. I am hoping Imogen may want to lie on the hammock and watch the pool yard world go by for a little while. The possibly of us having that memory is enough for me.

With that in mind I spent the time last night whilst she slept, constructing our new outdoor setting, it is partially done with only one major screw missing. Apparently putting the chair together on the lawn is not a good idea, when its of a similar coloured (dying grass colour : P) back ground to the screws and bolts involved.
We wait to see how she wakes the morning to see if we can catch a moment of her in the pool yard.

Kody came home yesterday, with only a few bruises and scratches. He came off second best with the velcro wall. He had the best time. They spent the week bush bike riding, orientating (has the blisters to prove it), ten pin bowling, jumping off and on velcro walls (obviously) and being involved in lots of other things. Though most importantly they spent the week just having fun and laughing : ). Thanks Camp Quality.

Ashton has been having a few "firsts" sleepovers at Granma's and Granpa's. They have adored having him and he just adores them. That has really helped ease some of the pressure on Jason and me. As Immie now is really like a second baby, though is able to tell us what is wrong with words (sometimes).

Well we sign off still walking the tightrope in limbo land, its painful, sad and terrifying. As we know there is nothing we can do to help our Immie, but send her wishes for a safe journey surrounded by love and prepare her food requests : ).

Thank you to all who made comments on my last post, have emailed us, left messages in the guest book and to those who simply send our girl and us thoughts, healings, prayers anonymously. We are honoured that our girl has left a mark on so many people’s lives, please never forget our brave inspirational little girl.

With Love and Hope
The Holmes Gang

Time

Imogen our most beautiful smiley princess is getting very tired now,
lots of sleeping,
not much eating or drinking,
dreaming of riding that roller coaster, watching Sponge Bob continuously
and being a bossy, very cute and funny princess forever,
Please send her thoughts of peace and happiness.

Photo courtesy of the fabulous Brandie last November xx

Wishes Granted xx

The lead up to Imogen’s party was a whirlwind. Heaps of organising, cleaning, decorating etc (we would not have been able to pull it off without help, Thanks beautiful people).

We must say a big thank you to a few special friends Karen and David, for organising lots of helium balloons in Ben 10 colours (so thankfully we all now know what colours they are lol) and food for the party, Sharon for video taping the whole party for us (without even being asked..I love that!!), Brandie for coming and taking pictures on the day and The Cooke family for organising a pie (she) warmer and quiches (they were very yummy).

All Imogen wanted was for her friends to come to her house and have fun.

With that in mind, that is what we made happen. Imogen did not get involved in the party games she just preferred to sit and watch on the beanbag with Daddy.

Half way through the games she moved inside to assist with the gladwrap removal of the many food delights.

Shortly after the games finished the house was bombarded by the 34 little people plus big kids and adults…Whoa!!!!..After kind of blowing out the candles, Immie ended up in her bed snuggled down watching sponge bob. Beyond her room Imogen’s party continue on for about another hour. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the party.

Our incredible girl's wish was granted, a party full of normal kids having fun and being happy. Of course Imogen received a ton of presents, many she has claimed as special and have been allowed the exclusive privilege of snuggling in bed with her. Immie spent her birthday afternoon, away in the land of sweet dreams.

For Easter, I had apparently made the comment several months previous that the children may get a real bunny for Easter…children have incredible memories, especially when you don’t expect it : P. Being the crazy woman I am, as well as holding the 6^th and 13^th birthday party for Imogen, I got mum and dad to find a cage and then organised with Pat at Caversham Wildlife Park to go on Sunday morning to pick a bunny and guinea pig (Kody’s choice).

Steve the awesome koala man met us at the park with two special little critters (incredibly the bunny they picked was one they had remembered Immie had played with previously). Imogen and Kody were very happy. Now we have two new family members “Imogen” the bunny and “Skittles” the guinea pig. Kody and Imogen spent the rest of Easter snuggling with their new friends (very cute). Thanks Pat, Steve and the Caversham Wildlife People.

Kody has today gone off on a Camp Quality camp down to Harvey for 5 days, looks like I will be the one nurturing and loving the guinea pig for the week. What a surprise : ). I actually don’t mind, as Kody will have a great time on the camp. Camp Quality is a fabulous organisation and always manage to plan and deliver a great camp.

Imogen’s pain is much more under control now. Our very clever Silverchain doctor recognised that with very little body fat left on Imogen’s body she would not actually be able to process any pain relief from the morphine patches. Ever since we have changed her medicine to tablets, we have been blessed with a much calmer and more pain free Imogen. I shudder to think how much pain Imogen was in, and she could not find the words to explain it.

Imogen generally now has a couple of good hours and then spends a lot of the day either resting or sleeping. She has developed a new appetite for Sponge Bob Square Pants, Winnie the Pooh episodes and lasagne for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

My love for Imogen everyday continues to grow, though lately it has changed form. I still wish for a million tomorrows and memories with her, but now I also wish for her to be at peace, pain free and be able to ride the rollercoaster from Dreamworld in the clouds everyday.

Love to you all who send us happy vibes, thoughts, healings and prayers, they are always appreciated and help us continue on in this daily haze xx

Love and Hope

The Holmes Gang

Happy Party Day Baby Girl

We dreamed of you our beautiful girl, before you were in my arms,
A smart, loving and smiley baby girl,

We were blessed the moment you arrived,
You looked into my eyes and my heart began to soar,

My Dreams, of timeless memories to share with you my girl,
Though life has had other plans,

I will always cherish the time we had crafting and coloring
together all the time,
We never thought that time was a treasure,
until we saw you fade,

Our precious flower, our baby girl,
No more crafting or coloring,
you do not have to fight.

You have been an inspiration to us all,
tomorrow is your day.

We wish you joy and happy memories,
for a day as special as you are.

A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts this world has to give.
Laurel Atherton

We love you Baby Doll

Happy 6th and 13th Birthday

With Love and Hope

Mum, Dad, Kody and Ashton